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A month after....the 24th

Today, I saw a pair of havaianas by the pool and a nike sports bottle. My heart skipped a beat. It's you...it had to be you. Even if I don't see you, i just know that it's yours and you are there. 

I saw a glimpse of a white headcap as the swimmer who is wearing it smoothly crossed the pool from end to end.

It is you. And how I long to see your face...to touch it and it feel it against my skin. I long to stare at your eyes and listen to your voice as you speak. 

It is you...and knowing that I can recognize little things about you means you continuously linger in my thoughts, in my dreams and..................... in my whole being.

Do I matter to you, M***?

Exactly how do you want me to react every time you send me an SMS?! Every time you think of me in the middle of your coffee break?! Every time you feel horny and you need someone who will not judge you for being soooo horny in those unholy hours?! Every time you are stressed and needed someone to just take your mind off it for a while?!

A simple thought from you makes my day...just a simple thought and then you suddenly turn cold AGAIN!

Every time I take a step forward, you find ways to push me back or you take a step backward. When I show you that I care, you do the opposite. I know you kind of not want to show your feelings or appreciate it in a manner that's too much, but please...sometimes I need to know it too. I need to hear it too. I need to hear that you care about me too. I need to feel it too. But then again....maybe you really don't care. Maybe I really DO NOT matter to you.

I told you I missed you. And I mean it.  Maybe you really DO NOT miss me. Maybe you NEVER did.
 
I can't be one of those women you lust over with who are fair-skinned, all angelic and pretty, slim and well proportion. I simply can't. It's not who I am. And if you can't accept me for being voluptuous, morena, chinita, straight forward and bitchy, the one who will never give you the bullshit lies, the one who can at least be honest what fuck ups there is in life - - then I don't know why you still keep and enjoy my company. 

It's more exhausting than running...and it's starting to hurt me really, really bad. I've been hurting for quite sometime now and I've been keeping it from you. It's doing so much damage to my self-esteem. Literally. I'm tired of all the pretentiousness and cover ups. I care for you and I'm sending my message across. I CARE FOR YOU!
 
I hope you will realize one day what you are to me, how much you mean to me, how I value what we have. I hope you will realize what I am to you and that it won't be too late. 
 
If ever the day comes that I seem to stop caring...that I got too tired of all the pushing, the shoving, the self inflicted 'humiliation' and the merciless devaluation of self...you will no longer see or hear from me. But then again, I know myself better. I doubt it will ever happen anytime soon.
 
I guess I'm just a nobody who accepts you (even loved you) for everything that you are and for everything that you're not. If the L*** thing comes as a surprise, either you're ignorant or pretending to be one!
 
And I don't care if all of your hair turns gray and silvery, if you have creases in your eyes,if you decide to start wearing glasses everyday, if you don't want to get married, if you're 11 years older than me, if you're a running senior citizen (in 17 years or so)...I don't care about that, it doesn't matter...I will still care for you.

I had my share of heart breaks and what-have-you-aches too, you're not the only one, M***! I was not spared of trauma from previous relationships. 
 
Sometimes a girl can only deal with so much drama. The only thing that can comfort me are those words I long to hear from you...and to be held by you...with an affection of more than a friend...more than just your meantime friend.

So tell me, M***....do I matter? or do I not?
 
 
 

eyes wide open

 Today, I asked myself the MOST RADICAL question:

What do YOU want TO DO today, SHEILA?

Medial Collateral Ligament Sprain

 Dear (R) Knee:

From the very beginning you have been very forgiving to me and very kind. You help me stand up, bend, walk, run, jump and in so many ways than one made me whole. You are a vital part of my everyday activity. Yet, I've been an abusive machine. I ran almost everyday...for several kilometers without even considering that I was 'tearing' you apart and putting so much pressure, strain and weigh on you. Knees, I'm so sorry for being such a fool. I thought you can handle all that and more. Now, it's payback time. 

I no longer run like I used to. No longer brisk walk like I used to. I'm saying goodbye to running temporarily. I need to nurse you back to health and strengthen you. So by the time you are well, we will be swift and fast...faster than what I used to be. 
 
All these misconceptions and wrong evaluation of your condition drove me to frustration. From ITBS to knee bursitis and finally....MCL. Such hard muscle contraction or change of direction rapidly during a run must have injured a knee ligament. I'm glad that  the diagnosis is right this time. You must have felt the relief yesterday when we had our first rehab session. You are much more stable now when we walk. 
 
I swear by my running shoes that we will get out of this stronger and meaner. I will tone my entire body and reduce my body fat. You will be taken cared of and checked upon any discomfort. Whether you are suffering from Grade 2 or 3 sprain, I promise you that I will be very diligent to do rehab and listen closely to doctor's advise. 
 
(R) knees, please cooperate and be very kind to me. (L) knee, you are not overlooked. You will be treated kind too just like (R) knee. 
 
Healing, Strengthening and Progressing,
 
sheila's brain
 
 

 
 

conversations with the Lord and running

I'm supposed to be in bed at this hour yet I cannot let the day end without being grateful. 

I've been struggling these past few days, battling over my wits and the side effects of my medication. I feel helpless and at the brink of depression again. I know that if I let depression and loneliness get the best of me, I will end up in ruins. I over think things, over analyze behavior, anything you can imagine.

Past 8pm I decided to visit the adoration chapel before I went home. I recently got the habit of visiting the adoration chapel whenever I feel so down and lost. I spent more than an hour there. 
 

Past 9:30, I ended my conversation with the Lord and decided to go home. The rain was pouring heavily. The security guard and a man offered to let me borrow an umbrella. The young man offered to walk with me under the rain so he can get the other umbrella i'll be using. I conceded, knowing full well I don't have much of a choice except to get drenched...and I don't intend to do that with the books I have with me.

As we carry on with out conversation, he mentioned that he will be running tomorrow. I asked him if it's the Anti-Dengue run, he said yes. Then I informed him that I used to run and the conversation went on and on about running until we reached my place. He was ecstatic to learn I run and asked if I'll be running tomorrow too. 

I learned that his name is Abby and he works in the parish. He used to be a runner for WVSU and been competing. He was a kind man and easy to talk to. I was touched by his story about running, finishing school and working to provide for his daily needs. He made me look up to him and thought about counting my blessings. It made me realized that I am blessed in so many ways and I'm thankful that Abby walked me home so that I won't get drenched in the rain.

I realized that talking to Abby made me understand life's constant struggle and helping out others in your own way makes a lot of difference. With God's grace...I pray that I will find my place in this world and start living again. 


Pairs

When you want to slow down and have more faith in life's ability to come up with the right pair. There is a time for every purpose under heaven. When your daydreams are subtle, yet seems more colorful and vibrant when shared with someone else.

Not to put others under pressure, or say too much, too soon.

Like these pairs,
you color every day of my life like a sweet rainbow of lifesavers....and I'm bursting with fruit flavors!


LOCAL GIRLS

 


For the local girls....and my not-so-local-talent bwahahahaha.... =)

Local Girls is the story of two girls who lived on an island (Panay Island) all their lives. It's a character drama about an odd pair of minimum wage earners working in a seaside resort in Iloilo City. Fate is a goody-two-shoes frustrated law student trying to save up tuition money. And Margie is a juvenile delinquent who hates the world. They are best friends despite their difference in temperament. Both girls are perpetually broke, bored with their mundane lives, and are looking for a little adventure. They get exactly what they wish for when they embark on a wild weekend that turns their world upsidedown.

This movie is in Ilonggo.

An official entry under the Network for Promotions of Asian Cinema (NETPAC) category of the Cinemalaya 2011 FilmFest. Screening will be July 15 to 24, 2011 at CCP Theaters and Greenbelt.

Money and Depression, not a good mix

 November 15, 2009: I officially resigned as a team leader thinking that in no time I will soon find a job that will allow me to sleep at night and live my days like a normal human being. I was pretty confident at that time, thinking that with my skills and experience I can land a job that will surely allow me to live the 'normal' life as we all call it. Goodbye vampire hours.

October 13, 2010:
I find myself writing this blog and still jobless. What a lame and shameful, slap-in-your-face truth! Since I am still finishing up my masters degree, I found it hard to be hired by private companies. For several times already, I was told by managers and CEO that they like me, they want me in their team, that I am hired. Suddenly, the reality of my Saturday classes appear in their eyes....and it's bye-bye contract. I even tried applying for a job in the government as well, however due to the rationalization program of the new administration, they are cutting their budget and manpower. Tried the online jobs too, no luck! The frequent black outs and poor internet connection adds stress. 

For some, they may find it stupid to think that I gave up my job before I could get a new one. Well, here's the deal. I felt that I was no longer happy, doing the same thing for the last five years. I felt that I wasn't growing. I felt empty and dissatisfied. I was making up so many excuses why I opted to resign. My studies, my son, my family....anything I could think of. And for the past 11 months, I know I'm lying to a lot of people. I don't want to bother explaining the details. Explaining the logic behind my resignation.  There was no logic. There was only emptiness. HOLLOW. LOST.

I wanted to find myself in the process. I felt that I lost myself in the ocean of personalities and people around me. I felt the need to isolate and recover what I felt was lost in me. I may not have realized it before, but I think (now) I might have been suffering from depression. I can cover it up quite well. Trust me. People hardly knows I'm sick or not feeling well, because I always appear fine on the outside. Despite my education and background, I felt that I haven't accomplished anything. I am starting to get drained. My emotional bank is draining. I was really depressed. 

I wish I am living a charmed life. Ah we all wish that don't we?! I tried to revive whatever spirit is still living inside of me. I tried to focus on something positive with very satisfying results. I walk, I run, I lost some weight....and I intend to continue doing this until I reach the 120 lbs. mark. Job hunting is a continual process, exams and interviews come and go. I wish this month, I will be LUCKY and land that job! The job I really want and I really need. Not just any job. The ONE I will really love doing!

I even got into an argument with my father. I applied in another company of the same industry where I used to work in Bacolod City out of sheer boredom, lack of financial resources and trying to find myself useful AGAIN. He wants me to stay here in Iloilo, where he can see me, where I can be with Daniel, where I can run the entire household. I don't want to work at nights again, but I need the money! Now, I REALLY NEED THE MONEY! I got hired with no such fuss. It was a piece of cake (not really) however i was hired FAST!

I am still waiting for the final moment. I hope to hear some good news this week or maybe next week from the companies I've applied where I will be based here in Iloilo City. If not, it's goodbye Iloilo and hello Bacolod. From the city of love to the city of smiles. Leaving Iloilo won't be easy. I will miss my Daniel, my daily walk in Iloilo Sports Complex, my bed, meatloaf.....(oh the meatloaf!).

S M I L E . I wish Joker can carve out a smile on face. 




 

I swear....

"I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live my life for someone else,nor ask another to live his life for mine". ~Ayn Rand